United Methodist event encourages dialogue on sexual ethics

By Marta W. Aldrich*

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (UMNS)-It's been called the problem that's hard to name and the sin that pastors don't like to discuss.

But clergy sexual misconduct does happen, as does inappropriate sexual behavior by staff and lay persons within the church, its agencies and seminaries.

When hidden under shrouds of secrecy and shame, such sins can destroy lives, tear apart families, split churches, bankrupt denominations and undermine the work of the church.
During a July 26-29 United Methodist sexual ethics conference, more than 250 clergy and lay people spoke openly and honestly about "sex in the church" in an effort to help the church prevent sexual misconduct and to intervene and offer healing and "justice love" when it occurs.

Called "Do No Harm," the event focused on encouraging more dialogue within the church about both healthy and unhealthy sexual behavior, resisting the temptation to become secretive when sexual misconduct by pastors and church staff occurs, and extending God's grace-with accountability-to all sexual sinners, even those who have been called and set apart for ministry and licensed by the church as clergy.

"We are working together to make our church a safer place, a more comfortable place, a holy place," said Garlinda Burton, chief executive of the General Commission on the Status and Role of Women, which sponsored the event along with the denomination's Board of Discipleship, Board of Higher Education and Ministry, Board of Global Ministries and General Council on Finance and Administration.

"In the church, we haven't had real clear and positive adult conversation about what is appropriate and inappropriate sexual behavior between clergy and parishioners, clergy and staff, and clergy and clergy," Burton explained. "We are dedicated to helping the church continue to talk about these things, because the cost of not having these conversations is too great."

Since 2003, COSROW has fielded about 65 calls related to allegations of inappropriate sexual conduct within United Methodist churches. Most involved clergy, but recent reports increasingly have involved lay members, according to Burton.

COSROW conducted a denomination-wide survey in 2005, and found that 67 percent of respondents said they had experienced or observed sexual harassment within the church. Seventy-two percent of clergy respondents said they had personally experienced sexual harassment, usually in the form of unsolicited sexual comments. The most common response to the harassment was to ignore it.

Conference speakers urged United Methodist clergy and leaders to be more open and honest talking about sexual issues-particularly in an MTV culture that is bombarding our youth with destructive sexual messages-and more transparent in the way the church deals with incidents of sexual misconduct and abuse.

Just as there are sexual secrets in most families, there are sexual secrets within congregations and they always lead to shame and brokenness, according to the Rev. Karen McClintock, a member of the California-Nevada Conference and a clinical psychologist.

"Jesus was a man without secrets and no shame and could talk with people about their bad behavior without shaming them," McClintock said. "…We are not a people of shame; we are a people of grace."

By its very nature, pastoral care can become a minefield for inappropriate sexual thoughts and behavior between clergy and parishioner. Emotional and spiritual intimacy shared can send mixed signals. It's easy for someone in pain to misunderstand the behavior of a caring pastor if they've never had someone care for them before. And pastors can misuse the power with which they are entrusted.

"The more taboo the situation, the more highly arousing it is," said McClintock.

The Rev. James Poling, a Presbyterian minister specializing in clergy ethics, pointed to the potential for sexual abuse wherever there is a structure of power, particularly for male clergy who are counseling female parishioners.

"One of the sexual secrets is that men are sexually stimulated by female vulnerability. If that's true, pastoral counseling is a danger zone," said Poling, professor of pastoral care and counseling at United Methodist-related Garrett-Evangelical Theological Seminary in Evanston, Ill.

Conference speakers and organizers urged pastors and church leaders to study sexual ethics and use common-sense guidelines for maintaining professional boundaries: for instance, offering counseling only in a professional office setting, during regular hours and when someone else is present in the building.

"It's also an issue of self-care," said Kim Coffing, a COSROW executive. "People get into trouble when they become overworked and haven't taken care of themselves. They lose a sense of clear boundaries in their relationships."

During a bishops' panel discussion, Bishop Richard Wills of Nashville recounted a story of temptation he felt as a young pastor in Florida when trying to minister to a single mother. He called a pastor friend and shared, "Hey, there's this woman. … I'm a happily married man. … I have feelings. … I don't know where they've come from." As they talked, he said, the feelings passed quickly. Today, he maintains a policy of making sure several trusted colleagues know where he is, who he is meeting and his itinerary at all times.

"As a leader, you can have no secrets or secret places," Wills said. "I believe that evil thrives in the darkness and dies in the light."

The conference drew a wide range of clergy and lay people, many of whom serve on conference "response teams" deployed by bishops to congregations when incidents of sexual misconduct occur. Comprised of people with expertise including mediation, pastoral care, the law and communication, the team brings a process designed to offer healing through repentance, reconciliation, rehabilitation and restoration.

The Rev. Derrick Hills came to the conference to educate himself as a pastor, father and community leader as he considers serving on a response team in the Louisiana Conference.

"This event has really sensitized me on behavior that can be considered crossing the boundaries," said Hills, pastor of Newman United Methodist Church in Alexandria, La. "We have a church of huggers and kissers, and I'm a hugger myself. But touching can be uncomfortable for some people. I want to make sure I'm never a stumbling block for my brother or sister."

Of the 63 annual conferences within the United Methodist Church, 54 were represented at the "Do No Harm" conference-the first held on the issue of sexual ethics since a 2001 training event in Colorado Springs, Co., that drew representatives from 42 annual conferences.

*Aldrich is a freelance journalist in Franklin, Tenn.